Our first marriage preparation assignment was to list our expectations for the marriage. We were then to share them with each other and respond one of three ways to the other’s expectation. The response choices were: 1. Sure no problem, 2. I’m willing to work on that and 3. No way!
As “extremely mature” 20 and 21 year olds at the time you can imagine our lists would be good material for the late night comedy circuit. While the exercise was good, our marriage prep wasn’t that great. Thankfully, God allows us to revisit and deepen our marriage every time we help other couples prepare for marriage.
Too often we have expectations that are simply not realistic… like I can lose weight AND eat my favorite donuts regularly. Or closer to home… We will be the greatest married couple in the history of history right out of the gate. Marriage is challenging on its own. Ministry brings additional layers to the mix.
Hardship and sacrifice are part of following Jesus in a fallen world. The right question is not who is to blame when hardship comes but whether we will follow Jesus when they come.
So how do we thrive in ministry and marriage? We must be Realistic!
To thrive in ministry marriage it is important that we are realistic. Jesus himself told us that in this world you will have trouble. (John 16:33). In 1Corinthians, Paul notes that the challenges for balancing ministry & marriage are such that it might better to remain single (1Cor. 7:32-35).
Being realistic means acknowledging the hardships. Be realistic that there will be hardship and sacrifice to follow Jesus together.
There is a price in ministry that only other ministry couples understand. We all know this but until we feel it up close, we don’t fully understand it. Do remember the first time you:
- Planned a rare weekend away but a key member hits the emergency room or requires a funeral before you get out of town.
- Pursued needed change for the church & gospel impact and had some that were friends get mad and resist. Some may even dog pile by taking their displeasure to your spouse!
- Watched those you thought were friends leave for “greener pastures” without the courtesy of a conversation. At some point it sets in that many of your relationships are likely to be one way. It isn’t ideal but it is real.
The ups and downs of real life ministry are felt by the whole ministry family. Everyone’s crisis, pain, hopes & expectations becomes your burden in one way or another. This can lead to resentment that creates division in the ministry home if you aren’t paying attention.
If we aren’t aware of these realities we are susceptible to harmful attitudes and polluted conclusions. Hardship does not mean we missed God’s call or did something wrong. Hardship is not the time to resent our spouse or question Jesus’ care. Hardship and sacrifice are part of following Jesus in a fallen world. The right question is not who is to blame when hardship comes but whether we will follow Jesus when they come. When we expect such things, we pursue strength in Jesus’ presence for ourselves and others that gives grace to persevere.
Being realistic also means remembering the blessings! Be realistic knowing ministry together is both hard AND wonderful!
We get the joy of having front row seats to Jesus’ redeeming work in people’s lives! We serve a Savior who bears our wounds, burdens and sorrows. He brings light in the darkness and joy through the sorrow. We get to experience that as well! We get the joy of helping other people discover deepening relationships with Jesus, His family & His mission. Jesus refines us as we walk through ministry marriage challenges with our eyes on Him. What an incredible blessing!
Here are some bonus realities that have helped us keep perspective:
- The church we serve is not our church; it belongs to Jesus.
- We have the privilege of serving on of Jesus’ churches together.
- When our time is up they will move on, hopefully to better things Jesus has for them.
- When everyone else has forgotten about me, Julie & I will still be together, loving each other and Jesus better than we did the year before. That is my hope for you as well!
One of my friends competes in Baja races in Mexico. Just finishing the race is the challenge! Knowing that, they enter the race prepared for challenges. They know they will come. They just don’t know the timing, order or intensity. Their aim is to face them well and finish the race that is laid out before them. May we do the same in both ministry and marriage!
Heb. 12:1-2 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
The Pastor's Life 