Matt. 11:28-20 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Ministry marriages face the same challenges every other marriage faces. But we live with the relational weight of caring for a spiritual family and the added reality that our credibility as pastors rests in part on the condition of our marriage. This makes us realize our need for each other. We look to our spouses to meet our needs and that is good. But it can also be bad if we lose sight of our greater need.
Our first year of ministry was a fast paced obstacle course! The first deacon meeting involved revoking ordination & membership of an older deacon who left his wife of several decades to pursue his high school sweetheart. A later deacon meeting that year had one church member accusing another volunteer of being gay. Some exhausted volunteers begged for help but struggle to allow anyone in to help. Our small facility was full and we were in talks of if and how to build on. It was a lot for a young green pastor.
Just a few months in, I had a vertigo attack related to an ear issue aggravated by stress. Of course it happened on a day when Julie was out of town for the day in the Sandhills with another church lady and I was home with our young children. Just when I needed here, she wasn’t there! To be fair she could tell even more stories of need when I was absent in her time of need!
Too often in ministry, a wife wonders at how her husband pastors others so well, but doesn’t seem to have the same insight or compassion for her. A husband wonders why his wife doesn’t fill his ego tank the way others do. The core mistake here is the expectation that our spouse meets our expectations!
The irony is that in a healthy marriage spouses do in fact meet each other’s needs and live in ways that advance God’s calling on their lives. But NOT when they place hope in each other that belongs only to Jesus!
Whatever the issue, the script elements for this story in many ministry marriages include:
- Expectation of him or her meeting my needs goes unmet.
- Disappointment becomes low grade hurt and frustration.
- Distance grows through disappointment.
- The likelihood of mutual need meeting in marriage decreases further!
When we realize this is happening we have a chance to remember what we would tell others. There is a simple answer though embracing it is not always easy. The answer is remembering that only Jesus can be Jesus for you!
A foundational key to a fulfilling and effective ministry marriage is for each one to truly anchor their life in Jesus. Look to Jesus to meet your needs. Trust Jesus’ timing and manner of how those needs are (or aren’t) met. Release your spouse from the pressure of being responsible for your deep peace and fulfillment in life.
When you do this you are free to love and serve them without low grade frustration. 1John tells us “we love because He first loved us.” (1John 4:19) His love doesn’t just obligate us to love others, It instructs us to love others. It frees us to love others.
Receiving God’s love for us is the only way to raise our love for others INCLUDING our spouses. What if as we rest in His love for us, we find freedom and instruction to love our spouses well. What if our doing that eventually helps them learn to do the same?
Let me give you a personal example. For too long, Julie bore the weight of my childhood wounding: my emotional & relational issues and my self-protection quirks. Being married couldn’t heal those wound. It only exposed them in new ways! I needed deeper healing in Jesus! She couldn’t heal them, but Jesus could! As I leaned into Jesus’ healing our marriage could deepen without unrealistic pressure on each other.
Only Jesus can be Jesus for you! Anchor your life in Jesus not your spouse and you will find deeper joy and unity with your spouse as you serve Jesus together.
Listen, ministry is too much to bear outside of Jesus. Yes you bear it together but even together, you can’t without Jesus. Don’t look to your spouse to save you. Look to Jesus. Christ can fill, empower & lead you to balance this the way He desires!
This has been a powerfully freeing truth for us. Here are some specifics that help us live it out.
- We each look to Jesus to meet our needs. We must do our own work here without pressing the other. We don’t force each other, we I love each other.
- We focus on serving the other not on being served by them.
- We encourage each other to rest in Jesus.
Whatever the challenges and frustrations you face in ministry marriage, in the end the answer is always Jesus. Anchor your life in Jesus not your spouse and you will find deeper joy and unity with your spouse as you serve Jesus together.
GUT CHECK:
- How have unfair expectations impacted your marriage? Yours & others!
- What happens in your marriage & ministry when you aren’t abiding?
- What does it take for you to really abide in Christ?
The Pastor's Life 