Authenticity in Marriage & Ministry

Eph 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Gal. 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

I love aquariums. They are my favorite part of any zoo. For years I kept one in my church office that made me smile just when I needed it! Currently I have a small tank with blue nano shrimp and live plants that has been fun to nurture. Aquariums can be fun UNLESS you feel like you live in one!

One of the challenges of a ministry marriage can be the public nature of your everyday lives and relationship. Wherever you are, it seems eyes are watching in a different way than they might for other people, especially if you live in a smaller community like we did. People have their expectations for what you should be as a pastor or a pastor’s wife. Sometimes that is reasonable. Other times not so much

If I can’t let my wife be who she is, then how can I ask the church to do that?

The core challenge is that fishbowl expectations squeeze you into someone else’s mold. Everyone has hopes for their relationship with you. It doesn’t always feel safe to be yourself. We want the church to grow. We want people to like us. Our head knows not everyone will; but our hearts still want to try.

When fishbowl expectations press, we risk losing ourselves. We distort who Jesus made us to be and disrupt His calling as well. This impacts both marriage and ministry negatively.

The truth is there is no ideal or typical ministry couple. At least not a straitjacket, one size fits all mold. Our Creative Redeemer is just too vast for that! In order to thrive in marriage and ministry we need the boldness, the freedom to be authentic.

I don’t mean an angsty authentic that makes excuses for our sin and weakness. I mean a humble, genuine, being transformed by Jesus version of yourself.

This week’s key point is to thrive in ministry and marriage we need to be authentic (but with wisdom)! Be who God made you to be. Be who Jesus is transforming you to be. You won’t fit everyone else’s mold. You are not perfect. You are different. You are growing. You are you! Being authentic does not mean you reveal every last thing to every person you encounter. It does mean that you are genuinely you in every relationship and situation.

If I can rework a popular quote, “Authenticity is the practice of letting go of who others think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are becoming in Christ” If you aren’t Saul, don’t wear Saul’s armor. You aren’t the previous pastor. Your wife is different than other staff wives. That is a good thing, because the people God calls you to reach will each be different as well!

Rom 12:5-6 so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: Cf. 1Cor. 12:4-6

Here are some approaches that have helped us:

Regularly anchor your identity & calling in Jesus. You should be your most authentic in your times with Him. He knows you already anyway. Let His transforming love & grace bring life-aligning peace to you heart. Then carry it with you through each day.

Value your differences within your marriage. Sometimes a ministry couple can press each other for the sake of ministry success. My wife and I relate to people in different ways. I once shared with friends, that sometimes we just don’t work very well together. She quickly corrected me noting “We just work differently!” I have learned a lot from her authentic extrovert heart. But I am not her. That is a good thing! If I can’t let my wife be who she is, then how can I ask the church to do that?

Let Jesus shape your spouse. Affirm their strengths, gifts and differences. Encourage them to serve as Jesus leads. If you do this you will allow your spouse to experience Jesus’ best fruit and your marriage will deepen.

Find friends you can be fully yourself with. We were blessed early with ministry couple friends outside our church. They gave us space to be more comfortable being us. Over time we had close trusted friends in our church as well. They help us not only be authentic but gave accountability to be authentic in every setting. What a gift!

Serve the way God has shaped and called you to serve & give your spouse room to do the same. What gifts, passions and calling has He placed in you? That will shape how you serve as a pastor or pastor’s wife. As you embrace this, you actually help others in your church do the same! If you deform your calling to satisfy their expectations, you end up hurting the ones you are trying to please by modeling a false Christian life.

Take some time to today to reflect on the following questions:

• What kind of pressure have you felt to fit someone’s mold?
• When have you felt judged for being yourself?
• How free do you feel to serve as God has made & gifted you?
• What would it take for you to live more authentically?