Together in Marriage & Ministry

         Matt. 19:5-6 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Before you read this post, I’d like you to take a minute and reflect on this question: What unique challenges, hardships & temptations does ministry add to marriage?

If you’ve been in ministry more than a week, you didn’t have to think very long did you? There are great joys that come to ministry couples, but there are also unique challenges. Enough that many conclude they can either do well in ministry OR with family but not both.

I’d like to share a few posts offering biblical encouragement to help you thrive in marriage while also serving well in ministry.

The first of these is so obvious that it is easy to overlook. It is Be Together: What I mean by this is prioritize staying connected emotionally, relationally & physically. That is a defining mark of marriage after all isn’t it?

If all our energy is spent on others leaving nothing for our wives we might find we aren’t together even when we are in the same room.

This matters because the pressures of ministry tend to pull you apart. It is a tragic irony that pastors can find themselves cleaving to ministry more tightly than to their wives. We tell our selves it is only a season. It is a unique crisis and yet. If we aren’t careful the season becomes a lifestyle.

To stop it we must recognize what is happening both in our schedules AND our hearts so we can choose a different way.

One reason this happens is that ministry is never really done. There is always another need, another person, another meeting another expectation. These lead to long and often unusual hours that take our best energy and leave us looking for a nap.

A related factor is the relational and emotional demands of caring for souls. Processing everyone else’s stuff can leave you with little in the tank for your spouse if you aren’t careful. If all our energy is spent on others leaving nothing for our wives we might find we aren’t together even when we are in the same room.

A still more serious issue is that our hearts feed this problem. For example, my response to an old wound left me with an unhealthy drive to prove my worth through excellence and perfection. For others an extreme sense of responsibility, a desire to be the hero, achieve some public success or provoke the grateful responses of those we serve. Any of this sound familiar to you?

We have to be honest about how our hearts drive us this direction and sit before Jesus in confession and repentance. Can we find our affirmation in Christ alone? Can we trust Him to build His church without our overworking?

Thankfully both Julie and Jesus were patiently clear! I needed to trust Jesus with His church and obey Jesus when it came to loving my wife! What about you?

God commands that man should not separate those He joins in marriage. Ministry should not separate spouses either! It is a cliché that ministry is often like a mistress for too many pastors. Unfortunately it can be true. This happens when we jump in the excitement of being there for church members  but neglect “being together” with our spouse.

Pastor, your wife would love to be with you. You need her to be with you! I don’t mean every moment of every day. But to really truly be together in life. To become a one flesh team that reflects the love and purpose of God. This takes intentional relational time. Make sure you create habitual space for this before she gives up! It is not godly or noble to sacrifice your marriage for ministry because we fail to obey the command to cleave to our wives. Make sure you make an intentional commitment to be together. Then follow through with practical rhythms that fit your season of life.

We had to learn simple but intentional shifts to protect space for us to deepen our marriage. To really BE TOGETHER.

Here are a couple of the habits we embraced in different season to be intentional about being together.

• Daily Couch time: The first 15 minutes we were both home we sat on the couch and talked about our days. We did this when we had small children. Julie first, then the kids. It is a good habit that has stuck.  You could find your own version of this. Some seasons we walk instead. The point is intentional connection and focus on hearing each other.
• Weekly lunch dates: As the kids got older this became a regular possibility. Just another anchor where we could consistently connect without the end of the day tiredness coloring our conversation. This was space for larger conversations, fun and dreaming together.
• Quarterly  retreats. Ministry marriages don’t’ get to experience weekend like the rest of the world. The doesn’t mean you don’t need time like that together once in a while. As we added staff, we tried to do this quarterly. We didn’t do this enough, but every time we did, it was SOOO worth it.

What would work for you? Brainstorm your own ideas. The key is being aware of your level of connection, your moments of drift along with the reasons for it. Then you can select your own anchor points to fight for that draw you together. The impact of our ministries will be better AND the joy in our marriages will be deeper.

         Eccl. 4:9-12 Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. 10 For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. 11 Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? 12 And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.